The first month, if you like was ok, didn't do a great deal, we just spent time learning about what the next 2 years have in store for us, getting to know our lecturers and them to know us.  Informed about the procedures of the course, what to expect, guidelines for how work handed in shall be marked, and all that jazz!

Has been a shock to the system, if truth be told on just how hard I found my second month at uni, I think it has been a case of shock to my system after not setting foot to study in a educational establishment since messing up college in the 2004-5 academic year.

How do I mean?  What do I mean?

Life hadn't been the kindest to me, and as a result my self confidence became masked by a thick layer of bricks and then in front of them a severely dense concrete wall which didn't allow emotion to penetrate through it, as the slightest crack would of enabled the world around to see just how fragile and unable to function, not to mention vulnerable I actually was within.

Existing in a world of doubt where I longed to be ignored by all as it was safer than risking allowing anyone to see what I felt myself to be truly like in case they were and or became unable to process the mess which I knew deep down I was.  The mess that craved something to enable it to start to thrive as surely if it didn't find something to cling hold of it would of died.

Thankfully though with intervention from a wonderful therapist who enabled me to realise, accept and take on board that what happened in my past was anything but my fault as I was young and did nothing wrong and those whom were older and inflicted their burdens upon me did everything wrong.  Non the less the result was a existence of attempting to survive, allowing no one close and therefore not reaching my potential which I knew was a waste but nothing was able to give confidence back until I found the right time for me.

School was in short hell, *******insert poem on school *********

as a result I was in the mindset, a negative one, that I could never and would never achieve academically as how could I when the foundations of my education had been battered and bruised during times when they should of been nurtured and taught just how incredible studying really could and had the ability to be.

The first month of the semester was hard, having to become disciplined to manage my time away from my studies in a more efficent way as if I didn't I would be exhausted which would h ave a direct result in the effort, concentration and angst of being in a already alien environment.

What do I mean by alien environment?  for the first time I was studying in a class, amongst peers whom viewed me as a equal, with their guidance I am realising and accepting that I can make friends, have fun, but at the same time I have things to learn from them, and they in turn I think will find themselves learning from me.

My peers elected me as course representative which was like 'wow' first time in my life within a academic setting I have been voted anything other than a class clown.  I just wanted to cry happy tears as finally at 25 years old feel like studying could well be for me, as they, my peers were/are accepting of me.  We are able to have a good laugh and giggle, there is respect amongst ourselves for one and other, realising we are all incredible people with so much to offer the world around us, and once graduated we will ensure the Social Care field is enriched for having us within it.

Tags: reflective journal

Spent the last 5 days trying to get my head around some uni work and failing miserably with it, and starting to get stressed as it is due in mid week, and can't contact the tutor for help/guidence as she isn't about.

I have got to

'produce a chart comparing and contrasting humanist and cognitive perspectives on communication, you should include details of the advantages and disadvantages of each approach'

HELP!  If anyone knows anything or can help, please do so.

Tags: help, uni

Got the post about a hour ago to find a letter from the bloods clinic to find that apparently I should of been and had blood taken etc on the 18th yet I have no note in my paper diary or my PDA to say that I was due there, I was in class on the 18th so I am sure if I was ment to be at the blood clinic I would of reorganised it as missing class is not a habit I want to enter into, so will phone the clinic on monday and see what is going down.

I am exhausted it is 4.20pm and I feel shattered, no early night in order as listening to my boys (Leeds United) at the moment, then watching X Factor then the rugby then the X Factor results, think I will record Parkinson as doubt my eyes will stay open long enough to watch it.

Tags: sleepy, uni

Just spent the last 25 minutes on hold to the mupets at Student Finance who say my application is STILL BEING PROCESSED adn is likely to be another 6-8 weeks, when I asked the guy what I am ment to do between now and then he just grunted at me 'not my problem' yes turd I know it is not your problem but nor is it technically mine, other people have recieved their loans so why haven't I?

GAH!

Tags: student loan

I thought that I better update as not written in this journal for a while, so didn't want people to think I have dropped off the face of the earth.

I have been busy iwht uni work.  Handed in my first piece of work on Friday (yesterday) so a bit wibbly about how I have done, should get some feedback this friday which is good :)  Feeling fairly confident, even if it did take me 4 out of the 7 days I had to do it in to get my head around what I was ment to be doing as the concepts I was documenting aren't the best to get my poor brain around as it is for the modual hwich is my weakest area of the entire course.  Be glad once it is over with if honest.

Better scoot off to the footie as Leeds are playing Orient.

Later on I promise to do a proper update
x

Tags: deadlines, leeds united, uni

Got a placement as good as sorted for my course for between now and the start of next Semester, which is a weight off my mind :)

Tags: placement
How Do I Feel: relieved

Just thought I better ramble on about soemthing of nothing as not rambled for a couple of days. Things are going really well still. Start my degree on Wednesday which has me excited as I CAN'T WAIT :)

My beloved Leeds United made it 7 wins from 7 games on Saturday when we beat Swansea City 2nil and it was fabtastic, atmosphere was incredible, when the second goal hit hte back of the net we all went a tad on the 'mental' side and had a huge rendition of 'Let's go f**king mental, let's all go f**king mental nah nah nah nah!' and then a rupterus 'E I E I E I O UP THE FOOTBALL LEAGUE WE GO AND NOW YOU BETTER BELIEVE US THE LEEDS ARE GOING UP!' for those of you unaware we are sadly in League One (the old 3rd division) and we were given a Minus 15 point penalty by the twunts at The Football League as they hate us, well that is the short version the long one involves a prat known as Ken Bates aka our 'wonderful' chairman who broke regulations and now the players are paying the price, but you get 3 points for a win, so 5 games is 15 points possible as it is 1 point for a draw, but 7 from 7 = technically 21 points but due tothe penalty of Minus 15 points means we have only got 6 points but today as I type their is a hearing taking place to establish if we are able to get back our points. That is a short version of a long thing.

What else? Erm lots but Ophir wants his computer back so I better scoot.

x

Tags: leeds united, uni
Where Am I: Next door at Ophir's
What Can I Hear: Ophir and I chatting and the washing machine cleaning my clothes

Thanks to all you wonderful people who wished me a Happy Birthday, and thanks for the reminder that I am officially a 1/4 of a century old, which is a weird thing. Not quite able to get my head around it all other than it is odd and may take some getting used to, probably just in time for next year :p

Thanks also to those of you who came out for a drink or two on Monday night was really good to get out and see you guys!

Sat here waiting for some random journalist to turn up, not sure what time she is due which doesn't help I could of sworn we agreed to meet at 2pm but it is now nearly half past and no sign or word from her, which isn't that good.

Tags: birthday, journalists, old
How Do I Feel: blah

I haven't dropped off the face of the planet, nor am the only person left on in hte planet, but Iv not been in the mood or headspace to ramble, just want to hide as so overwhelmed by a lot, the fact my degree is impending a start, the events of all that has led to me being single, that Ruth should be here to celebrate my birthday iwt me physically instead of observing it from heaven, the fact as it is 1am it is technically my birthday and hte mixedness I have towwards this day, all will be explained when I have had some rest. and a lot of other things making me overwhelmed and wanting to hide.

This said, hope all of you reading are ok and haven't missed me!

Tags: ruth

So I am single once more. That is all I want to say on the matter so don't ask me to elaborate.

Tags: single
How Do I Feel: contemplative