Inside My Head

reflective journal rambles

2007-12-28T16:45:15Z

The first month, if you like was ok, didn't do a great deal, we just spent time learning about what the next 2 years have in store for us, getting to know our lecturers and them to know us. Informed about the procedures of the course, what to expect, guidelines for how work handed in shall be marked, and all that jazz!

Has been a shock to the system, if truth be told on just how hard I found my second month at uni, I think it has been a case of shock to my system after not setting foot to study in a educational establishment since messing up college in the 2004-5 academic year.

How do I mean? What do I mean?

Life hadn't been the kindest to me, and as a result my self confidence became masked by a thick layer of bricks and then in front of them a severely dense concrete wall which didn't allow emotion to penetrate through it, as the slightest crack would of enabled the world around to see just how fragile and unable to function, not to mention vulnerable I actually was within.

Existing in a world of doubt where I longed to be ignored by all as it was safer than risking allowing anyone to see what I felt myself to be truly like in case they were and or became unable to process the mess which I knew deep down I was. The mess that craved something to enable it to start to thrive as surely if it didn't find something to cling hold of it would of died.

Thankfully though with intervention from a wonderful therapist who enabled me to realise, accept and take on board that what happened in my past was anything but my fault as I was young and did nothing wrong and those whom were older and inflicted their burdens upon me did everything wrong. Non the less the result was a existence of attempting to survive, allowing no one close and therefore not reaching my potential which I knew was a waste but nothing was able to give confidence back until I found the right time for me.

School was in short hell, *******insert poem on school *********

as a result I was in the mindset, a negative one, that I could never and would never achieve academically as how could I when the foundations of my education had been battered and bruised during times when they should of been nurtured and taught just how incredible studying really could and had the ability to be.

The first month of the semester was hard, having to become disciplined to manage my time away from my studies in a more efficent way as if I didn't I would be exhausted which would h ave a direct result in the effort, concentration and angst of being in a already alien environment.

What do I mean by alien environment? for the first time I was studying in a class, amongst peers whom viewed me as a equal, with their guidance I am realising and accepting that I can make friends, have fun, but at the same time I have things to learn from them, and they in turn I think will find themselves learning from me.

My peers elected me as course representative which was like 'wow' first time in my life within a academic setting I have been voted anything other than a class clown. I just wanted to cry happy tears as finally at 25 years old feel like studying could well be for me, as they, my peers were/are accepting of me. We are able to have a good laugh and giggle, there is respect amongst ourselves for one and other, realising we are all incredible people with so much to offer the world around us, and once graduated we will ensure the Social Care field is enriched for having us within it.

ARGH

2007-10-27T14:13:22Z

Spent the last 5 days trying to get my head around some uni work and failing miserably with it, and starting to get stressed as it is due in mid week, and can't contact the tutor for help/guidence as she isn't about.

I have got to

'produce a chart comparing and contrasting humanist and cognitive perspectives on communication, you should include details of the advantages and disadvantages of each approach'

HELP! If anyone knows anything or can help, please do so.

Dear Miss Howard

2007-10-20T15:17:53Z

Got the post about a hour ago to find a letter from the bloods clinic to find that apparently I should of been and had blood taken etc on the 18th yet I have no note in my paper diary or my PDA to say that I was due there, I was in class on the 18th so I am sure if I was ment to be at the blood clinic I would of reorganised it as missing class is not a habit I want to enter into, so will phone the clinic on monday and see what is going down.

I am exhausted it is 4.20pm and I feel shattered, no early night in order as listening to my boys (Leeds United) at the moment, then watching X Factor then the rugby then the X Factor results, think I will record Parkinson as doubt my eyes will stay open long enough to watch it.

Student Loans - ARGH!

2007-10-15T12:46:24Z

Just spent the last 25 minutes on hold to the mupets at Student Finance who say my application is STILL BEING PROCESSED adn is likely to be another 6-8 weeks, when I asked the guy what I am ment to do between now and then he just grunted at me 'not my problem' yes turd I know it is not your problem but nor is it technically mine, other people have recieved their loans so why haven't I?

GAH!

Thought I better update

2007-10-13T10:43:44Z

I thought that I better update as not written in this journal for a while, so didn't want people to think I have dropped off the face of the earth.

I have been busy iwht uni work. Handed in my first piece of work on Friday (yesterday) so a bit wibbly about how I have done, should get some feedback this friday which is good :) Feeling fairly confident, even if it did take me 4 out of the 7 days I had to do it in to get my head around what I was ment to be doing as the concepts I was documenting aren't the best to get my poor brain around as it is for the modual hwich is my weakest area of the entire course. Be glad once it is over with if honest.

Better scoot off to the footie as Leeds are playing Orient.

Later on I promise to do a proper update
x

Placement sorted

2007-10-01T10:12:37Z

Got a placement as good as sorted for my course for between now and the start of next Semester, which is a weight off my mind :)

leahoward @ 2007-09-24T14:59:00

2007-09-24T14:07:23Z

Just thought I better ramble on about soemthing of nothing as not rambled for a couple of days. Things are going really well still. Start my degree on Wednesday which has me excited as I CAN'T WAIT :)

My beloved Leeds United made it 7 wins from 7 games on Saturday when we beat Swansea City 2nil and it was fabtastic, atmosphere was incredible, when the second goal hit hte back of the net we all went a tad on the 'mental' side and had a huge rendition of 'Let's go f**king mental, let's all go f**king mental nah nah nah nah!' and then a rupterus 'E I E I E I O UP THE FOOTBALL LEAGUE WE GO AND NOW YOU BETTER BELIEVE US THE LEEDS ARE GOING UP!' for those of you unaware we are sadly in League One (the old 3rd division) and we were given a Minus 15 point penalty by the twunts at The Football League as they hate us, well that is the short version the long one involves a prat known as Ken Bates aka our 'wonderful' chairman who broke regulations and now the players are paying the price, but you get 3 points for a win, so 5 games is 15 points possible as it is 1 point for a draw, but 7 from 7 = technically 21 points but due tothe penalty of Minus 15 points means we have only got 6 points but today as I type their is a hearing taking place to establish if we are able to get back our points. That is a short version of a long thing.

What else? Erm lots but Ophir wants his computer back so I better scoot.

x

Thanks

2007-09-19T13:31:06Z

Thanks to all you wonderful people who wished me a Happy Birthday, and thanks for the reminder that I am officially a 1/4 of a century old, which is a weird thing. Not quite able to get my head around it all other than it is odd and may take some getting used to, probably just in time for next year :p

Thanks also to those of you who came out for a drink or two on Monday night was really good to get out and see you guys!

Sat here waiting for some random journalist to turn up, not sure what time she is due which doesn't help I could of sworn we agreed to meet at 2pm but it is now nearly half past and no sign or word from her, which isn't that good.

Just to say

2007-09-17T00:10:27Z

I haven't dropped off the face of the planet, nor am the only person left on in hte planet, but Iv not been in the mood or headspace to ramble, just want to hide as so overwhelmed by a lot, the fact my degree is impending a start, the events of all that has led to me being single, that Ruth should be here to celebrate my birthday iwt me physically instead of observing it from heaven, the fact as it is 1am it is technically my birthday and hte mixedness I have towwards this day, all will be explained when I have had some rest. and a lot of other things making me overwhelmed and wanting to hide.

This said, hope all of you reading are ok and haven't missed me!

Single again

2007-09-12T16:32:31Z

So I am single once more. That is all I want to say on the matter so don't ask me to elaborate.

2 fingers up to the Football League

2007-09-08T18:25:33Z

So the Football League decided we (Leeds United) were to start the season with MINUS 15 points due to the fact our chairman is a toss pot (well that is a polite way of saying I can't stand Ken Bates and want to well would happily kill the sod) anyways they the Football League that is decided to give us a punishment cos Bates is a twerp.

We have played 5 matches, incase anyone isn't familiar wiht how points etc work in the sport I adore the most I will explain, just so no one is unsure what I am on about (as I am the worlds worse mathematician well unless it comes to football related maths for some reason) anyways for a win you get 3 points, if you draw you get 1 point but loose and get 0 points, therefore after 5 games played the most points possible is 15points WHICH I CAN CONFIDENTLY REPORT WE NOW HAVE, But thanks to our 'friends' at the football League deciding to punish the players and managers for the decisions of a guy who gives me the creaps (and answers to the name of Bates) we now are on 0 points, but hey as Cornishwhite aka Paul said earlier to me, 'if they hadn't given us a deduction they knew we would walk away with the league so they had to enable others a chance, but now they've had that chance it is time for the real talking to be done on the pitch!' So Football League put the 15 points in your pipe and smoke them!

LEEDS UNITED SHALL NEVER BE DEFEATED!

Come on boys!

2007-09-08T13:46:08Z

Sat here with Radio Leeds on waiting for the commentary of Leeds United (yes I am just a tad obsessed with them!) vs Hartlepool, if I had the money I would of gone down to Elland Road today but I am skint, so sat at home listening on the radio which is not as good as being there, but better than nothing, at least I am able to listen on the radio so that is fab, debating starting to jot down each time Eddie Gray says 'the boy' as he rather affectionatly refers to most of our players are 'the boy' during commentary bless him. The wireless signal is lowsy today, got one blip of reception so not impressed, it should and will get better! - or I will be grunting at it!

COME ON BOYS! Get that win which we need so badly so that we can stick 2 fingers up at the Football League and then get our season properly under way and climb up and up the table, as if it wasn't for the -15 point deduction before a single ball kicked all thanks to the arse that is Ken Bates we would be sat top of the league, but hey the world of football has never pretended to like us, so we can only do what we have done so well this season so far and that is give it our all and not say die adn carry on and keep on scoring and get the much needed points!

Lost well not lost but where the heck did I put it?

2007-09-07T10:37:22Z

How often does the average person loose or forget where they put something?

How often does the average person who happens to be ME loose or forget where they put things?

Why do some people choose not to tell anyone their passwords or log in details for things?

Why does the average person who happens to ME choose to tell her wonderful girlfriend most of her user names, log in details and passwords for things, but then not tell her for others?

Then take last night for example the girlfriend was asleep, I wasn't (well me and sleep have a hate-hate realtionship) and I decided that I wanted to work on my www.leahoward.me.uk website but after about half an hour of trying every possible combination of things I couldn't log in to anything, happend to be on the phone to Phil (I know you will be reading this at some point!) and he was asking what was wrong so I let him know that I was resisting the urge to scream and call the computer every word that happened to be derogatory and went to check if the wonderful girlfriend was awake or not, discovered she wasn't fully asleep, asked her and got a semi awake look and comment of 'no cos you didn't tell me them, if you had then I might of been able to help' - Q me getting increasinly more pissed off by the second and decided to turn the computer off before I ended up kicking it, which would of resulted in more pain than I was already in, so got annoyed and gave it up as a bad job as thought that I may have better luck this morning.

So fast forward now this morning managed to log into the hosting site and breathed a sigh of relief, then managed to realise I couldn't log into update the site last night as I was using completly the wrong log in details! so tried the new well recently discovered log in dtails to discover HEY I AM IN! So yeah the site shall be updated shortly.

Must now find the bit of paper I have scrawled the details on and put it somewhere that I am likely to remember where it is, then find some more pain killers as due more, send Lennie a text to ask her if she can possibly pick me up some more Deep Heat whilst she is in town, get lunch (marmite on toast if you are interested) refill my glass of water as it has been on the window sill and is too warm to drink - yuk

And then get on with updating the site.

toodles for now.
x

A quick letter to a angel called Ruth

2007-09-06T10:49:24Z

Morning angel,

I have to write because well I just do.

You were stolen from this world and life way too prematurley, but I feel fortunate that I had you in my world and my life for all be it a short time.

Sat here and crying because I miss you, miss you so fucking much it physically hurts, I know they say everyone has their day and it is predetermind when they are born but that isn't fair, if it is the case why can't we get a warning so that when it happens at least we know, although I doubt any amount of preporation will or could ever prepare anyone to loose someone who has provided such inspiration and given so much care, attention and love to their world and life

I miss you hun, I wish you were laid here snuggled into me whilst we watch kids tv and eat haribo, crisps and pizza, drink fruit juice, it isn't fair that your not going to ever be able to do those and many other things with me again.

I need you hun, need you to ease my anxieties as I start my degree at the end of the month and I am so frightened, worried, nervous, panicky, excited, daungted and more, I need you to tell me that things will be ok and that I will survive and deal with it, need you to make me laugh at 4am when I am tossing and turning too frightened to close my eyes and try and sleep.

I miss you so much, I doubt very much you have any comprehension of just what knowing you and your friendship brought to me and my life my world. To change this world you have to be in it first, that is true, you have challenged the life and created so muuch change in my life, I am proud to say you are one of my friends, and will always be one of my friends.

I wish you could of been here to get to know my girlfriend and forher to get to know you, I am sure that the two of you would get on so well, have a giggle and just relax in the company of each other.

I need to write more but I can't tears are waterlogging the laptop again.

Love you angel, have fun in heaven, I am just feeling fortunate that I had time to meet and get to know you a little.

x

A new knee?

2007-09-05T20:14:19Z

From left hip to left knee going down to my toes is sharp pain, and swelling, I am fed up of pain, fedup of flare ups the minute the weather decides to do what it should and act as seasons accordingly. When it goes from cold to warm to cold to warm with little or no warning my body objects and flares up. I hate it, I am 25 in less than 2 weeks and my body has decided it hates me. sigh. no wonder gummi bears don't have legs as they would be eaten off first as tehy are iritating. That begs teh question, just how do you eat your gummi bears? Think it is time for me to hobble to the kitchen and see what the noise the friends of Ophir are upto as can just hear high pitched squeels and it is getting on my tits. Time for sleep soon, and if the dweebs keep me awake I shall not be a happy girl.

Zit

2007-09-04T16:20:28Z

I have a zit which is easily the size of a 5pence coin on my chin, it is really annoying me, so meh and I just want to pick at it, which is gross but it is annoying me.

I got the confirmation letter for my degree earlier in the post made me bounce, my G-d this is actually happening, yes happening to me! Need to get the funding sorted out properly but it is all proceedure so should be done really soon.

Phoned the Disability Services people and have set up a meeting between me and one of them next week on Friday so that is a bit anxiety provoking and knowing me will be more anxiety nearer the time.

As I ramble The Antony Cotton Show is on ITV and there is some woman going on about one of those type 'how clean is your home' type things, and going on about Cockraoches, the mrs and I are sat here watching it going 'ewgh' how can people go on national tv exposing how ick conditions they live in, G-d it is making my tummy go all yuk just thinking about it.

Last night at an obscure time as I couldn't sleep I made Lennie (the mrs) a obsucre thing, it was Chocolate Bor Bon's and Custard Cream's along the bottom, and then I made some strawberry jelly (or jello to American's) then waited for it to set and then wacked over a tin of Ambrosia Custard and then squirted Chocolate Cream all over the top. Lennnie liked it, I think there is still some left so that is fab, maybe I will go and get some, but I am not sure.

all this talk of cleaning on the tv, any of them want to do any for us? Don't mind, feel free!

Wow

2007-09-03T21:52:45Z

So I left a message on my 'private' journal with the name of this one and a few of you have decided to 'friend' me which is rather funkay.

This journal as already stated iks more just day to day stuff, probably in time I will use it for privater stuff but it is more for rambles of nothingness that I just have to get off my chest. I will be using the other journal for commenting though so doubt I will read the friends page on here.

Love you all.

Oh and I just bought myself a 20gig Creative Zen MP3 player so will take photo's when it arrives!

Now off to buy a funkay toilet seat!

What a fun life I lead :p

Need more sleep

2007-09-03T05:08:25Z

Just after 6am and I am awake, going to try and get more sleep in a second but thought as I was up getting a drink and checking email I better come and say hi, so that is what I am doing.

Just want to sleep snuggled up to the mrs as in her arms I feel so safe and protected, but she is working today 12.30pm - 9pm from memory so will be home late :(

She has tuesday and wednesday off I must try and make her an appointment to get her hair cut as for her it is getting long (she has short short hair) Need to get mine cut and the top thinned out as it is getting bushy like at the top once more, I hate having thick hair that grows out at times like an afro, you think I am joking, I am far from it and being serious as hell, but I have no money so it will have to wait.

Off to try more sleep.

<3

1.30am

2007-09-03T00:34:25Z

Wide awake, went to check on the washing next door it was semi dry but not fully so I have put the dryer on in hope it speeds up the process and then it will mean all washing caught up to date, then in the morning I will put it all away, well in between getting side tracked by anything and everything.

I should try sleep in a minute as it is late 1.32am id honwar, juat had a small fry up as was hungry it was very scrummy, may have to get more, but NO! it is bad for me and my diet. Which is going so slow at a holt and making me sad.

Off to try and sleep now as will be working on the actual site tomoro

x

2 September 07

2007-09-02T10:36:25Z

I guess that it makes sense to start somewhere so that is what I am doing, this journal is for the eyes of who ever chooses to read it, mainly set up so that from my personal web space those who visit can have a glimps into my world and see just how it is to be me.

I don't actually know what is going to end up on the space I have found for myself within cyber space, but what should I put on it? I mean I have the space to put anything I want, but I just don't know what to put on it.

I ramble a lot, get sidetracked even more yet something maintains my concentration all be it that I am focused upon various things at once.

Such as now, I am sat watching the Big Brother thing on Channel 4, but at the sametime my eyes are all over the place, flickering, twitching going all over, but to what, and for what reason other than they do and I find that I am unable to prevent it, just what to do.

Should be trying to well am ment to be going to check on some washing as my neighbour next door is away and said can use his washing machine so took over the bedding and a towel so fingers crossed I have managed to get them washed and it could now in theory be drying as it is a washer dryer thing a all in one, but last night it was playing up when Lennie (my girlfriend) and I went and put in our bath towels, we did however get things sorted eventually, G-d they were so lovely and warm and we just snuggled into a towel, what is it with just washed clothes or even towels they just feel so comforting and yummy, so warm just I dunno there is just somethingabout them that makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

Still got a bag of underwear to wash, the bath mats and another towel. Lennie is at work so I have the house/flat to myself which I am finding odd, after 3 months practically of having her here all the time, I can't believe she has been up here in Leeds 3 months and a day, June 1st she came up here (to Leeds that is) and we have been going out since June 5th so yeah there you go.